Hands
by Promethean Soul
Summary: Scully's thoughts after a promising message(set after William)


Disclaimer: I Don't own the X files, Mulder Scully, Melissa, umm. any of the XF characters. They all belong to Chris Carter and to 1013 and so on and so forth. But I'm guessing that seeing as you are reading this, being "fanfiction" you know this, being a "fan". Or course that is a rather blatant assumption on my part. Back to the point. I also don't own Jewel, or her beautifully optimistic song "Hands". Just borrowed them for creative purposes. Hope I did the characters and the song justice. (This is my first fanfic, so any thoughts would be appreciated. Please, R&R. if there are any mistakes in the lyrics to the song, please let me know, and I will fix it. I'm afraid that some times I tend to get words confused (think Abba and "Happy New Year" - I seriously thought they were singing "happy New Year.. May we all have a beer!" no wonder Dad gave me odd looks when I sang that as a five-year-old!). Thanks for your time)  
  
Hands  
  
Scully lay in her bed, staring blankly. Her head hurt, her entire body hurt. Her heart ached, her soul ached. As she lay in bed, she saw, without seeing, the sun rise. It was a new day, and she was still alive. She could still love, and feel, and she was still loved. She knew that. Dana's thoughts wandered back to the events of the previous years.  
In her mind's eye, she could clearly see her first meeting with Mulder. She remembered how she wasn't sure of what to expect when she first met the man with the unlikely name of Fox. She remembered his half-smile when he shook her hand. How he grilled her on the protein. So long ago, but it still was as clear as though it were only a few minutes ago.  
She rolled onto her back and looked at the ceiling, still lost in her memories. She remembered how he held her so many times; how Mulder had come to her bedside and confessed that she was his strength while she lay in a coma after her abduction. The look of subdued joy, marred with guilt on Mulder's face as he returned her crucifix.  
Mulder had been her world for so long. Her mother loved him; her older brother bill hated him. He'd apparently managed to piss her sister off too. Scully smiled slightly at that thought, remembering how as children, she'd stirred and stirred, and only rarely succeeded in getting a rise out of Melissa. And Mulder had accomplished it after meeting with her for no more then ten minutes.  
She remembered the number of times that she covered for him, 'fibbing' to Skinner to save his ass. And the number of times he had saved her ass. How Mulder was there for her during her battle with cancer, how unlike her own brother, he hadn't given up. The late night talks, the federal property vandalism, the trespassing, breaking into government compounds, watching so called American Classics like, of all things, Caddyshack. Learning to play baseball. Another smile flickered on her lips as she recalled that night. No worries about dry cleaning bills, alien implants, government conspiracies, and meddling superiors.  
How Mulder had held her before. before he left and was abducted. How she felt when she lost him, her pregnancy, Mulder's death, his funeral. The pure grief. it wasn't much different now. Only less. final. there was no closure. Scully's mind found that night, when Skinner called her and told her that Mulder was still alive. she hadn't believed him. Almost hadn't wanted to believe, afraid of being wrong, and having to deal with the loss and the grief all over again. Her joy as Mulder returned to himself.  
Her son.. William. How beautiful he was, how perfect. How perfect it felt when, Mulder took both her and their son onto his arms.  
And then, complete for mere weeks, Mulder had left her. It was necessary. She knew that. But it didn't help. She felt abandoned, but deep within her self, she knew that Mulder would return, that he loved her. And that she loved him.  
But lately, that faith in their bond, their love had faded. She knew not if Mulder was alive, if he was hurt. And worse. their son. She had lost him. Her heart broke to think about it. Fresh tears threatened to spill, but she remembered why she had awakened so early, so long before her alarm.  
  
A dream. Simple. She had dreamt of Mulder, of her sister, of his family, and of her son. And she now realised, that despite how alone she felt she wasn't really lonely. There were people around her who loved her, people that she loved. And while Dana would not get to experience her son growing up, she was knew now that she had to happy for the simple fact that she was able to love him  
And Dana also knew that wherever Mulder was, he loved her. He would return when he was able. In some way that gave her comfort. After months of isolation and helplessness, a simple dream, a simple message from her sister had managed to give her New Hope. "Mulder loves you, he always has. And your son will love you, deep within his soul. Dana, we all love you, and you have people with you now who love you also. Don't give up, don't let yourself be held in one place by despair. You are the light that the darkness fears, and you can change what others see as set. Your hands guide the fate of so many, you and Mulder included. The world will be okay, and so will you. You have something that so many others don't have. You have your faith, so use it. You are in our hearts, our thoughts, our eyes, and our hands shelter you. Don't think that you are alone. You never have been. Dana, I love you."  
Dana smiled as she recalled that message. She knew that it really was her sister that had told her that, not just wishful thinking. Her alarm turned on, a soft song playing, strains of piano introducing a song. "If I could tell the world just one thing it would be we're all ok And not to worry cos worry is wasteful and useless at times like these I won't be made useless; won't be idle with despair  
  
I'll get myself around my fate; the light the darkness most fears  
  
Smiling, Scully took it as a sign, and sat up. On her dresser, she saw a photograph of her, Mulder and William. Everything was perfect, and she remembered that there was something worth fighting for. On the radio, the song continued.  
  
My hands are small I know But they're not yours they are my own But they're not yours they are my own And I am never broken  
  
Poverty stole all your golden shoes But didn't steal your laughter And heartache came to visit me But I new it wasn't there thereafter We'll fight, not out of spite For some I'm a stand up girl, that's right Cos where's there's a man who has no voice There I am sure we will see  
  
My hands are small I know But they're not yours they are my own But they're not yours they are my own  
  
And I am never broken  
  
In the end, only kindness matters In the end, only kindness matters  
  
I will get down on my knees and I will pray I will get down on my knees and I will pray I will get down on my knees and I will pray  
  
My hands are small I know But they're not yours they are my own But they're not yours they are my own And I am never broken My hands are small I know  
  
But they're not yours they are my own  
  
But they're not yours they are my own And I am never broken  
  
A fresh feeling of purpose, hope and life swept into Dana, and for the first time in months, she was ready to fight, to really fight the powers that be, for the life that she and so many others deserved. Glancing at the photo, she thought to herself it is you, William that I will fight for. You that I will live for, and though you may never know it, it is for you that I breathe for. And it is for us, Mulder, that I will work for, and you are a part of the fight. You have never given up, and neither will i. With that, Scully closed her eyes, and for a moment, as she lay in her bed, she prayed.  
Minutes later, she rose to shower, to begin a new day. On the radio, the song continued to play a sweet reminder that she wasn't alone. Ever.  
  
We are never broken We are in God's eyes We are in God's hands We are in God's heart We are never broken We are in God's eyes We are in God's hands We are in God's heart.  
  
January 24th, 2004 


End file.
